Another honest moment.
I am writing this firstly because it has been on my mind and heart. And secondly, because of the overwhelming response at my last blog post about my curves. Women responded publicly, but mostly, women wrote me in private thanking me. Thanking me for saying what they couldn’t, and representing something that can be totally taboo in this culture.
So here I am again, ready to dip my toes into yet another uncomfortable subject.
THE OUTGOING INTROVERT:
People assume I am outgoing for the most part (I think). Unless of course they know me well, in which case they have seen my moments where I draw uncomfortably into corners, blending in with the other wallflowers.
Someone once said to me “how can you be shy? You’re a performer, you’re on stages all the time”. Well, it’s true, and forgive me if I am incorrect in saying that this is a common misunderstanding about performers. Many of us can be completely awkward at times, especially when not on the stage.
I sometimes squirm at the thought of parties with groups of people I might possibly hardly know, I too want to run far sometimes when I find myself immersed backstage amongst the other performers, I too find myself plain out awkward and nervous sometimes.
Don’t get me wrong, on my ON days, I am ON. I don’t care who you are- I will be smart, witty, and the conversation will roll out easily. Other times I find myself literally walking away shaking my head repeating the silly things I scrambled to say.
At this point in my life I have mostly completely refrained from any of this self-judgment and efforts to be something other than what I am. But it does creep up on me sometimes, and the feeling of fighting what I truly am, seems to be much harder than just letting me be. Be that unique, strange, hermit-like type who loves quiet, who loves alone time. I do better with one on ones than large groups of people, I prefer deep conversation than surface chatting. It’s just who I am.
I have thrown my arms to the heavens in celebration and announced YES, I AM A GODDAM HERMIT (a lot of the time)! AND YES, I FUCKING LOVE IT! (Until the mind banter comes in and says things like “how will you ever be truly successful if you are such a hermit so much of the time. The industry I find myself in somehow thrives off of partying, drugs, alcohol, partying, socializing, networking, etc. Bah!”) And then the rational mind says “I will make it because I am ME.”
A recent incident at a music festival inspired me to write this post. I was backstage the main stage at this festival during one of the major headliners for the events. I saw some old “friends” whom I walked right up to them to say hello. I swear it was like they did not even know me. It was so uncomfortable, and really kind of painful. Not because it hurt my feelings, but because people carry themselves in this manner so often, and it creates a real divide amongst humans. “I am with the cooler kids right now, so ummmm… I’m too cool to talk to you”. The truth is, I don’t know WHAT was going on for them- they may have been in a fight, they may have been in a deep process, it’s not for me to take personally, however the tough energy of those I encountered was embittering. It left me feeling totally uninterested in these “types”, and only interested in my friends who care about nothing but connecting in real, deep, satisfying ways, without all of these too-cool-shields. Fuck those fucking shields. They don’t feel good to anyone.
The truth is, I have heard that people label me as snobby or full of myself at times as well. I’m sure I have sides to my personality that are as such, but truly I can be quite shy, and this sometimes comes off as awkward, which may come across as snobby I suppose. Ask my friends- if you approach me (with kindness), I can almost guarantee you will be met with wide open arms and a grateful heart for your approach. I am not good at the approach part. It reminds me though, when I hear this background noise about myself, how potent judgments and assumptions are. How poisonous they are. And so when I find myself judging others in this way, or any way really in general…. I look for the place in me that is THAT, and I break down those inner boundaries to see myself in her, or him, or them. Or atleast I try.
So here I am, yet again, the kid in the playground running to save the kid who is being bullied in the corner . That was me. The one who could “fit in”, but was there to protect, and serve those who didn’t. I am the one saying “me too”. It may not look like it to you, but I too am socially nervous and uncomfortable at times, and I too, truly consider myself to be really just outright awkward sometimes. Yes, I watched a documentary about turtles on July 4th when everyone else was out partying and getting wasted. But I’ll tell you what… those turtles changed my life and I will never forget them (sniff sniff).
These honest moments are for celebration, so that we might come together and just say it outwards, instead of holding it all in trying to show up every time looking cool, making it look easy, looking like it doesn’t phase us. Some may see me as a rock star of a very incredibly tiny degree (in the large scope of things), and yes, I too struggle with these things. And I say to hell with it. Watch your documentaries, stay home and read your books, and for fucks sakes write your blogs!
These honest moments are for breaking down the walls, one brick at a time. Here’s to the outgoing introvert in all of us!
P.S This post is not meant to be a self-fulfilling prophecy of some kind. Please do not assume upon meeting me that I WILL be awkward. I am working through all these things so writing this is a risk, and I hope a way of releasing any left over tension in this realm of social anxiety.